I need to just say some things and share some realness over here. One because, I’m kinda tired of not doing so… and two because I’m kind of over trying to save face and make this look like a perfectly curated situation over here with fun captions and cute emojis. Not that I’m winning at that either.
The last few days, I’ve been down. Like in the dumps. Your attitude is not possibly worse than mine so don’t even try. It’s a little ridiculous… this toddler fit I’ve been throwing. In between said negative emotions and my piss poor attitude… I’m constantly telling myself to be thankful, constantly trying to take my thoughts captive, constantly praying for relief and clarity. Searching my soul to find what IT is… do I feel entitled to something? What’s missing? What’s broken? Sometimes guys, life just gives you hard days. Your emotions try to do what they want sometimes.
I’ve been feeling down about my craft… myself… about photography. Feeling not good enough, not creative enough. Feeling like I’m not going to “make it” this time. (For those that do not know. I recently left my nursing job to pursue photography full time…… again.) Not enjoying the risk and stress, and the reality of being ever- so aware of my finances… and how many things I haven’t booked. I’ve been browsing the web for other jobs and cities to move to because who doesn’t love to run from their problems? I’m a pro at it.
Deep down, in my core, I’m so thankful for this craft…the connection it brings, the people and relationships. Helping to create beautiful images and memories for people… is so amazing. Being invited into people’s lives so special. I constantly see and feel God moving through it
It’s also really lonely at times, this creative entrepreneur life. It ain’t always a walk in the park. I doubt the meaning and significance of it. Sometimes I get anxious about meeting new people…. and what they’ll think of me….and if I’m not out doing what everyone thinks I’m doing (frolicking in a gorgeous field somewhere with sunshine and beautiful humans) I’m likely at home by myself at a desk with a top knot and haven’t showered. It can be isolating and tedious, and freakin’ stressful to feel like you always have to be “on,” creative, and smiling ear to ear and convincing everyone that you poop sunshine. It’s stressful to always want people to be happy with your work, and you, and to want to serve them well. Also, before you think “stressed about pictures? If you only knew what real stress is,” go ahead and be informed that I was an ER nurse, and believe me… I know “real stress.” Although it’s different, running your own business and supporting yourself with it is stressful.
It may sound like it but, I’m really not complaining. I really do love love love the good and am so blessed by it, but I just wanted to share some of the hard and be a little real today, because earlier I listened to a sermon that discussed social media and it’s effect on our culture. He spoke about how it effects our view of our life, our relationship with God, and with our loved ones. How truly isolating it can be, because we are all staring at our phones and not at each other… always looking at the next amazing thing someone else is doing somewhere else, and all the money they’re making while they’re doing it. Always comparing, and letting it steal joy. It CAN be so fun, and light, and I’m thankful for a place I can connect and share my work… but honestly, when I get too heavy of a dose of the wrong thing, it leaves me in a fog.
So today as I started to turn a corner… and that fog started to lift… I decided to ask myself how I can be different, and more real. How can I stop contributing to the filtered online presence? Who said I had to play by these rules? Who said I can’t be real on social media? Who says I can’t share the work that I want, when I want, without wondering what looks good, or if people would like it, or if I’ll get featured? Who says I’m not aloud to be open about struggle?
So, there you have it. I decided to share, and even in writing this I have some relief in sincerity and bringing darkness to light.
If you’re out there, chasing a dream, or enduring the mundane… working for yourself or for the man… and you’re struggling with these things too… I feel ya. TAKE A WALK. Leave your phone at home, be honest with someone about how you’re feeling. Call me. Do not crawl back in bed – I REPEAT DO NOT. There’s no life there. Seek community. Ask God again and again to expose what it truly is that’s making you feel discontent, and don’t be surprised when uprooting it doesn’t feel good.
I hope that today brings something new, and that you’re encouraged that you are not alone in struggling with these types things.
If you don’t struggle with this, God bless your little heart and I’ll take whatever tips you can give me.